Duke

stuff, lori; things

2023-06-15T21:51:48Z

im officially in training for the senior position theyve been hinting at giving me for a while now haha. very excited for that honestly. i love my job. its a little crazy, pretty intensive, but the people i work for and with make it so worthwhile

one of my bosses (i think she was teasing me tho) said i might be.......eventually put in charge of the location? they have the rights to open up two more franchises, and said that me and my coworker were gonna be given them.

DUNNO BOUT ALL THAT NOW

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I WANNA WRITE AGAIN. i work 6 days a week and am just so tired all the time that i have no time for creativity anymore. it sucks, but money? i sold my wrangler about a month ago (which was sad, bc floyd and i spent so much time in it together, going for rides. now hes dead, and hte jeep is gone; what do i have left?) so im in the market for a new car

i dont get time to spend with my boyf anymore either, so ive been having a lot of nightmares about him leaving me lol. were still good tho, but both of us are kind of frustrated about it. im supposed to be getting two weekends off per month soon, so i guess thatll solve that eventually.

SPEAKING OF WORK, barrett....attacked a dog one day about a month ago and ive been too anxious to take him back to work with me ever since, although one of my bosses assured me that he was still a good dog, and that what he was doing was in order to protect another dog, etc, but. ever since floyd got put down, ive had really bad anxiety about barrett. taking him to the vet for simple checkups? hella anxiety. taking him to a safe space to play? panic attacks in the car on the way to work

its just hard to move on from floyd i guess haha. i loved him a lot, but owning him was also traumatic in a lot of ways, esp since a lot of that stuff carried over into owning barrett.

anyway

im anxious a lot. tired a lot. but not feeling so depressed anymore. love my job, the evening crew i lead is amazing, and the people i work for are wonderful. just....need a couple of raises to get back to what i was making at my dog walking job haha

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i love my job

2023-05-21T00:55:51Z

ughhhh aughhhh i love it so much

the people i work for? all of them are awesome. so nice, kind, and understanding. i love em haha

my coworkers? all of them are chill, theres only one i dont really vibe with, but no one really vibes with her either, so

both my bosses and some of my coworkers say i work too much tho. maybe its bc im autistic, but idgi. they say to work, so i work. they have checklists, i just go down the list. it doesnt really bother me but i apparently work too hard haha; they force me to take breaks, even though we arent offered them

i just turn my brain off and start going down the checklist. idgi lol. im just doing..........my job

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music/art/work

2023-05-08T17:58:27Z

so this past weekend i took a trip down to atlanta with a group of friends for a music festival; most of it was just sitting around, but i had a fun time. my second fave band got to play on the big main stage and its been so long since i last saw them live

i missed em

i somehow got 7 blisters on one foot though. there was a lot of walking around to get to the different stages over the weekend. no one else had any problems but me, but its my own fault bc i chose fashionable shoes over functional ones.

goddamn tho, do my feet hurt.

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ART

im......not allowed to say which zine it is specifically, but! i got accepted as a writing contributer for a zine i applied to a while ago and im so excited about it. its going to be physical, and have merch bundle. thisll be....... the first ever time my writing has been published in a physical media. i already know what i want to write too

over the weekend my sister and her boyf got into some BIG family drama, which resulted in me having to refund her boyf's brother a huge chunk of money for a commission. her boys bro has been basically banished from all friend circles, and he requested a refund before being ollied out.

on the one hand, im relieved bc that comm was kicking my ass (i dont draw plate armor!) and i didnt want to do it, but on the other, it was a lot of money and im.......very, very broke now after giving him his money back

which leads me to........

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WORK

as much as i love this job, i want to quit, but only bc my feet really hurt and the days tend to drag. i worked a week straight without any days off, and the day before my lil mini vacation started i called in faking sick bc i was too tired to get out of bed. really, truly, and just deeply bone-tired.

(except, i didnt call, really; i texted my main boss a half hour before my shift started but she apparently didnt see it, so a few hours later my other two bosses texted me asking where i was. i then had to explain how i texted the main lady and bhghb)

i feel really bad about it and now ive got it in my head that they hate me and wont want to see me again, which i know is just my anxiety but.....man

ive been thinking a lot about dying lately, too, as a result. not because im feeling particularly suicidal, but im just so tired that i thought, 'i cant wait till im dead, then ill finally be able to rest'

the thought kinda spooked me but it was also comforting at the same time. eventually i wont have to do anything anymore. i dont believe in an afterlife, so im not sure why that would be something that brings me comfort to think about, but it did. one day i wont be tired anymore, bc i simply wont be alive to feel it.

im just tired, man. i always am, but im feeling it stronger lately.

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saint_duke @ 2023-05-01T15:33:00

2023-05-01T19:41:45Z

my new job is great, but the one thing, THE ONLY THING, that makes me dread working is the foot pain. i used to walk dogs for a living, but somehow this is much worse lol, im walking like 7 miles a day

my bosses are great, and i thiiiiiink im being considered for a promotion? things keep being mentioned, but nothing has happened yet, so im unsure

all my coworkers love my dog (and he made friends with the cutest tripod who is easily like, only a 1/3 of his weight- they are so cute when they play together)

workplace drama is already a thing and its only been like, 2 and a half weeks, which honestly is great bc people on both sides of the drama talk to me so i get alllllll the drama info. i love that shit kekekek

i kno ill eventually adjust and the foot pain will dissipate but my god, it seriously brings me down how badly my feet hurt at the end and beginning of every day. i must persevere tho, if only for the sweet health insurance theyre providing me with (vision! dental! maybe itll cover my primary med and i wont have to pay $200 out of pocket everytime i need a refill!)

another downside to working again is that im tired all the time (as if i wasnt before). ive been going to bed at like, 9pm lately, and i didnt go to dnd last night bc i wanted to sleep instead. that tiredness also drains my energy to do anything (write, play games, draw- seriously, i dont do anything anymore)

tldr; im tired, my feet hurt, but i love my new job. also, no more anxiety about not being there. hooray

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saint_duke @ 2023-04-23T16:34:00

2023-04-23T20:35:48Z

im having anxiety attacks about not being at work

is this a sign that i really love my new job? i took a nap today and had a series of dreams about not being at work and woke up in the midst of an attack lol

i think its also fomo?? i never usually have fomo but im actually feeling really anxious about missing things at work. we have a fb group and theyve been posting a bunch of new dog intakes and its MAKING ME SO ANXIOUS holy shit what do i do lol

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first week of work DONE

2023-04-22T02:57:00Z

its only been a week working at this place, but i already love it so, SO much

i feel appreciated beyond words, valued, and seen. the woman who has been trying to hire me for two years already wants to promote me! ive been impressing the corporate people the franchise sends down to new locations! my coworkers arent so bad, and i feel great working with dogs!

i was scheduled for 30 hours this week, and theyre bumping me up to 40. theyve bought me lunch every day and i can tell that the owners really give a shit

i love it hereeeee

tho i am a little sad that so much of my time will be spent working now. i suppose thats just the way life is at this point? i feel like my wings have been clipped a bit in that regard but really what else is there? a shame life boils down to just this (work, have hobby in minimal spare time)

sad clown noises

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on the tmi side of things, last weekend one of my nipple piercings got caught in my boyfriends teeth and it pulled. it didnt hurt at the time, but afterwards......

its pretty painful, and definitely infected lol. ive been trying to keep it as clean as i can but when i started work i kept knocking it around on accident and that didnt help lol

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im happy with where im working, but im sad that most of us will have to work for the rest of our lives

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im not in enough fandoms

2023-04-12T09:02:48Z

i keep trying to sign up for fic exchanges (im addicted to them now?), but a lot of events make you sign up with 4+ fandoms and im only really into two (trek and stranger things)

i like metalocalypse a TON but its niche and old and its all skwis/toki fans anyway

im really picky with my media, but i need to find something else to get into thats moderately popular that itd be included in a fic exchange to begin with so i can keep whoring myself around

anyone have any recommendations for a series to try and engulf myself in?

do likes:
-horror (gore is fine)
-supernatural elements and creatures (werewolves big positive)
-high fantasy
-mullets
-60's-80's
-musicians
-nautical themes
-violence
-westerns

do not likes:
-anime/cartoons (exceptions for metalocalypse and v. bros)
-slice of life
-law enforcement series
-romance
-narratives surrounding teens and/or children
-period dramas
-overtly sexual narratives

(please do not recc the witcher, good omens, riverdale, the magicians, umbrella academy, AHS, or supernatural)

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saint_duke @ 2023-04-09T20:07:00

2023-04-10T00:13:33Z

the funeral is tomorrow

i cant write. i cant draw. i have a commission thats a month overdue bc i just cant do it. the dude who originally comm'd me wanted a family portrait done at first, but later changed it to a dark souls character and i cant draw plate armor! it was a very expensive comm and ive already spent the money but i might just end up having to refund him

everything i write is just trash tier. i feel like, fake. like i fake everything i do? but i see myself do these things, like write, and draw, but i still feel like im cheating somehow. how do you cheat a creative talent? idk, but i must be doing it somehow bc now nothings happening when i try

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saint_duke @ 2023-04-06T02:26:00

2023-04-06T06:37:19Z

my grandma died on tuesday (i think?) and i honestly really dont careeeee, but bc she gave my mom so much money to help raise me and my siblings, i gotta go to her dang funeral on monday and i aint happy about it

the last time i went to a family funeral, my mom got so angry with me bc i wasnt expressing any emotion ("WHY ARENT YOU CRYING WHY DONT YOU CRY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU") ((she yelled at me in front of a lot of people in the actual funeral home too like great yeah thanks))

im annoyed. its a 3 hour drive cross-state to attend this funeral for a person i dont care about and im expecting to be slanderized by my extended family bc theyre all rich and have university degrees and im just a dumbass they think they can tread on.

(the last time i saw my uncle he talked to my mom, VERY LOUDLY, very obviously knowing i was listening, about sending me to a SPECIAL SCHOOL for "THOSE TYPES"; sorry for being autistic lol)

no one ever has very nice things to say to or about me, and now im going to have to spend an entire day putting up with it.

at least ill have nice shoes for the funeral

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saint_duke @ 2023-03-29T22:32:00

2023-03-30T04:08:13Z

i want to say a thing, but in order for that thing to make sense, i need to preface this by stating i am autistic

SO

when i was- (a young boy, my father, took meeee into the cityyy)- younger, i read a lotta books. and the books i really liked? i would bite them. very hard. on the corners, usually. i enjoyed a good read, it ended with a bite. some of my old favourite books still have bite marks on the corner pages haha

ANYWAY

as i got older i read less, and then i read digitally, but now that ive been amassing a lot of hard copy star trek books, i have the overwhelming urge to start biting them again

imagining the feel of those pages... giving way between my teeth.............IS SO TEMPTING

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saint_duke @ 2023-03-25T17:15:00

2023-03-25T21:34:18Z

MY BOYS CLINCHED A PLAYOFF SPOT LESSGO

5 consecutive years being stanley cup contenders; my boy brindamour really whipped the hurricanes into shape. i used to have a huge crush on him back in the 00's haha. his fucked up nose! delightful. cant wait to see him hoist another cup

i need to get one of my sweaters customized for him, i have a blank one that would be good for it, but shits expensive.

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i got the dog job! very excited about that. i was very depressed to have to exit my other dog job, so itll be great to get back to workin with puppers. theyre much easier to work with than people haha, and previous job experiences have taught me that im not equipped for people jobs.

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SPEAKING OF HOCKEY, im finding it harder and harder to be an openly queer person in regards to the sport. more and more players are refusing to don pride jerseys (for warmups only! its for like 30 minutes!!). the blackhawks are just the latest team to refuse to wear them altogether.

it got me really upset haha. i could feel my eyes gettin a lil weepy. i just love hockey so much and to see shit like this got me kinda fuckt up. it feels like theres no room in sports to be queer, and when the goddamn players decide to take a stance against it, it just hurts more

OH WELL WHAT CAN YA DO EH

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saint_duke @ 2023-03-15T18:15:00

2023-03-15T22:21:29Z

i have a job interview! next wednesday! for a dog place! where i wont have to drive to and from clients' homes all day!

very excited

their posts on facebook have been very trans and lgbt friendly (even tho it was founded by an ex k9 cop, which... im not very thrilled about). itll be the first place ive worked for that has been so openly pro about those things.

they could just be doing those things for internet klout, but id like to believe its genuine. i guess ill know for sure when i show up for my interview i guess haha

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live music

2023-03-11T03:24:20Z

i havent been to a live show in years, even before covid hit, so im excited to say that this may ill be seeing a lot of live acts

may 5th through 7th ill be attending the shaky knees music fest to see my (second) favourite band and a lot of other big name acts. two days after that? my brother got us tickets for the pit to see gojira + mastodon in virginia. we might die! ive been in plenty of moshpits before but im expecting this one to be V I O L E N T

one day after that? ill be seeing my boys again in raleigh

when i was doing my third attempt through uni (i gave up, never graduated; it was just for an art degree anyway), they went on tour and played 3 times in my state. unfortunately for me it was during finals week, and the shows were like, 5+ hours away from my apartment at the time. did i go to all three shows? i sure did. did i flunk out for the second time that semester? i think so!

ahhh music. i remember the show that my hearing didnt recover from, leaving me with mild tinnitus (USE HEARING PROTECTION AT SHOWS DONT BE LIKE ME).

i used to want to be a musician. i can play bass and harmonica but im otherwise unmotivated to do much with it lmao. same as with everything else i have an interest in i guess haha

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saint_duke @ 2023-03-04T01:48:00

2023-03-04T06:49:19Z

whenever i get high all i wanna do is talk about how much i love spock

my goodness do i love a man

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art wips

2023-02-27T07:34:10Z

mmblelhh h

so i got an ethan!spock and a nimoy!spock going but i hate my art lately so idk when ill ever finish these; the second one is also a pretty niche reference (incantantion, netflix), but i wanted to draw it to have as a cover to if i ever get the motivation to write an incantation-style fic

pinup ethan!spock just cause its in line with what ive been drawing lately

man, i miss being able to enjoy stranger things tho. harringrove was my THING for like 6 years. my most popular fics have all been for stranger things and they just HAD TO KILL BILLY HUH

anyway

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im not doin well

2023-02-20T00:28:56Z

cw: suicide

depression is hitting me really hard today for some reason. sittin here with weepy eyes over nothing.

im not doin alright; ive been out of work for months, thoughts of resuming self-harm are really strong, and i feel trapped.

my boyf is not in a hurry to move out with me bc unlike me he actually loves his family, and they love him. its so weird. i hate going to stay with him bc his family dynamic just makes me feel so terrible. i still live with one of my primary abusers and it just hurts. i feel like im being compressed and simultaneously deflated somehow

ran out of edibles so i cant sink into that mindless numbness i rely on. no money for more. no money for my anti depressants that are approaching $200 in cost now. every refill the price goes up and my insurance refuses to cover it.

i feel done, man. i havent had thoughts of suicide in a long time but i was cleaning my room today (or trying to; i gave up) and i found a bunch of old suicide notes id written in high school and all the points id mentioned in those notes are STILL true today! nothing is changing! im not changing! i cant fucking leave this place, im stuck and useless and fucked up and whats the point

im so upset haha i dont know what to do

its my boyfriends birthday next week so at least ill be able to see him for a weekend. i can hold out till then and reassess things after, i guess. i might be at that point where i need to go back into therapy but my last therapist was just... he cared too much and it upset me haha, so i quit. he wanted to see me two times a week, every week, bc i guess he thought i was just that bad off, but i couldnt do it

anyway, if i overshare on the internet then thats almost like going to therapy right? its probably just the changing of the seasons getting to me

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saint_duke @ 2023-02-18T20:04:00

2023-02-19T01:10:41Z

so uhh my boyf has offered to roleplay spirk in the bedroom for me

("ill buy the shirts and you can call me captain ;)") and like

ON THE ONE HAND, that would be really hot and i would enjoy that a lot probably maybe but-

ON THE OTHER....... i am absolutely MORTIFIED THAT HE WOULD SUGGEST THAT HAHA NO SIR I CANNOT DO THAT

part of me wants to but the largely sexually repressed part of me just wants to die from the suggestion alone

weve been dating for 8 or 9 years now (neither one of us really remembers; neither one of us really cares) and im still embarrassed to be seen naked by him lmfao ugh

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ive been called out

2023-02-13T06:26:34Z

(the man who barfs turned out to be spock and ive never been so enthralled by a character before as i am now LOL)

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i used to have an oc (well, still do, i just dont rp or do anything with him anymore like i used to. actually, i used to rp him with this friend even, so she knows damn well what shes talking about), and looking back on him, he met all of those criteria before i even realized that that was my TYPE:
-repressed sexuality
-self-loathing/shame over natural sexual responses
-hates own boner when gets one

i have no idea what this says about me LOL but its definitely me projecting something; luckily for me, my boyf is a very confident man who loves his boners and sexuality-
and me
(ha, gaaaaaaaaay)

we just arent quite gay enough to engage in valentines day hahah

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i kinda like journaling on dreamwidth like this, it keeps my thoughts well! somehow it seems super impersonal, and i like that. if its one thing i hate, its having feelings. the second thing i hate? expressing said feelings and then having someone acknowledge those feelings. probably why i hated therapy so much kekw

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life, uh, finds a way

2023-02-12T05:51:54Z

i tend to make super questionable decisions when i get really high, my latest being, two nights ago i boiught $50 worth of candy on amazon w/ overnight delivery bc i craved it.

i dont even have that much in my bank account; i ended up slapping it on my credit card, of all things

but at least i have candy???

in my high self's defense, everything tastes 100x better while zooted

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my new piercings are healing well, i think. ones a lil scabby, but the other is doin good from what i can tell. v excited for when they fully heal up. besides my tattoos, these have been my favourite body mod, by and large

not that i have that many, but the ranking remains

my boyf i think wants to tell or brag about it to our friend group, but i honestly dont know if id be able to look any of my friends in the face ever again if they knew that particular intimate detail about me lol

is it weird to say that i think ive wanted nipple piercings since i was a kid? i remember going to a public pool and seeing a dude there with his nipples pierced. my lil autistic child self was so shocked and awed by it. i remember very openly and (probably) very obviously staring at them; so much so that its remained a core memory lol, and i think it carried over to my decision to get mine done earlier this week

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my insurance doesnt cover my primary medication that i rely on, and the refill cost for it is well over $100. my doc sent my insurance a note to try and get them to cover it, but they denied the request. idk what to do now about that. i have time though; its not a primary concern, but one of those ones thats been simmering on the backburner of my mind for a while: what will i do when i need to get more?

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im writing all this instead of working on my k/s fic exchange due in a month. idk why i chose to do a smutty prompt! i cant even say the word 'nipples' out loud without becoming supremely embarrassed! im going to do it but im suffering!

(im also struggling to just find a way to start the damn thing lol)

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saint_duke @ 2023-02-07T18:36:00

2023-02-07T23:55:08Z

for a person who hates doing things spur of the moment as much as i do, its crazy that all 6 (well, now 8) of my piercings have been done spontaneously. i got my ears done in high school at a party (god i used to be such a wild youth), paid for by my friend as an act of rebellion against my mom LOL. then during my first university stint, i had my industrial done randomly with my roommate who wanted theirs done. the last set of ear piercings came from the lady who cuts my hair who randomly mentioned she could do em while she was shorin up my mullet so i said go ahead

all that to say: i woke up today and decided to get my nipples pierced LOL

definitely the most painful body mod ive ever subjected myself to, good god, although it only lasted for a brief moment. my boyfriend is delighted, although the estimated healing time is so long he wont be able to be handsy for a while

i was so embarrassed at the parlor tho when i went up to the lady to tell her what i wanted done that i threw up in my mouth a bit

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saint_duke @ 2023-02-06T17:34:00

2023-02-06T22:46:50Z

i have like, reverse seasonal depression, in that i get really, really depressed at/around winters end (i hate spring and summer so muuuuhuhuuuch)

winter ending has me big bummed out man. im dreading the lengthening of the days. the shortenings of the nights. the coming seasons.......

im supposed to be looking for work or an apprenticeship and ive been doing neither. my friend tried to help me get a job working with him but i think it fell through cause i aint heard back about that. ive been feeling really crummy about my art in general which makes it all the harder to find the motivation to drag my portfolio around.

howm i supposed to be like, pls, teach me the tattoo ways, when i cant even.....art LOL. i feel like a fraud, or a deceiver. as though i wasnt the one to make the art that i did? i feel like im cheating somehow, or lying. iunno.

depression has just been slowly ramping up i guess. it sucks that even with medication it can still be so debilitating, though it isnt nearly as bad as it used to be.

i just dont know what to dooooooooooo

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handwriting

2023-02-05T08:48:42Z

i saw this meme on twitter, where people posted samples of their handwriting and asked which trek character would match it

i love memes like that so i wanted to participate but I HAVE NO STAR TREK FRIENDS PLS SOMEONE star trek be my friend creis

personally i can see chekov, i had a friend say sulu

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snowflake challenge #13

2023-01-29T08:31:04Z

in an effort to use dreamwidth more i............suppose ill do some things. maybe. for as long as they interest me.
maybe

Challenge #13

'In your own space, rec three fanworks that you did not create.

These could be your all-time favorites, fanworks that fit a certain theme, or the last three fanworks you read/viewed/listened to and loved. If you’re looking for a way to make today’s challenge more *coff* interesting, how about rec’ing in small fandoms or rare pairs? A compilation of fanworks that make a great introduction to a fandom?

For the purposes of this challenge, a fanwork is defined as any creative endeavor for a fandom – fic, podfic, art, crafts, vids, meta... If you love it and someone else created it, please share it!

Don’t feel limited (or obligated) to make three recs. One or two is good, and so is a dozen. Just share some fandom love!'

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i got into star trek juuuust this past summer so moooost of my reading lately has been comprised of that. it only makes sense, then, that my first recommendation is the fic that actually convinced me to get into the fandom. its so damn good, and remains in my top 3 fave star trek fics ive read so far (and its been a lot)

Unconditional by lettered

'Vulcans only mate when in Pon Farr, but Spock, being half-human, experiences normal sexual urges, thoughts, and arousal. From a very young age, he is taught that his desires are unnatural, freakish, and horrifying. He's punished for these feelings and for whenever he acts on them. He is deeply ashamed because of it.'

it was my first trek fic and i only bothered reading it bc a friend vague posted about it on their private twitter and now im stuck in the greatest hyper-fixation of my life. NSFW, it deals with sex negativity and conditioned responses and trying to overcome those things. i found it extremely relatable, and maybe even helpful in dealing with my own internalized sex negativity

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BUT BEFORE STAR TREK, i was huge into stranger things, until billy died. i see so much of myself in that character (the anger, the violence, the abuses he endured) that i attached really hard to him, but he is so unanimously hated by the fandom that its hard to find like....good fics that deal with the things he was dealing with in a competent manner that underscore him as being undeserving of sympathy. sometimes its too hard to read them, but this one? this one hurts, but in a good way

Your Name by LazyBaker

'Max keeps the camaro. She tries to fix it up. Doesn't know much about cars. She's watched Billy do maintenance on the camaro countless times. She's even helped him a couple of those times. But standing in the driveway with Billy's toolbox open at her feet and the camaro broken and silent in front of her, it all seems impossible, like it's too much.'

Billy had problems. I'm not an apologist for the things he did, but that doesn't mean he deserved death. He deserved help, and nobody helped him. Not a one, and sometimes its hard knowing an entire fandom hates him when i think about how similar we are. i guess the difference between us is that i got help before i took things too far

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this last one is gonna be a huuuuge throwback- aaaaaall the way to kingdom hearts 2, and the organization. i first read this fic when i was in highschool in like, 2007, and its stuck with me throughout the years (i was 16 then, and 31 now, so thats about... 15 years??). I printed this damn fic out, even- all 20+ chapters, stapled together, and kept in a binder so i could read it like a book at school. its so old, that it exists only on fanfiction.net, as i guess it didn't make the transfer to the authors AO3 account

Passion by silver-kin

'He wanted to be, even without a heart. At first, his cards were all he needed. But when those were no longer enough, he found something else that was.'

a well-written fic that has lived rent-free in my head ever since i first read it. the last two chapters hit me hard, knowing what happens. i frequently list passion as my all-time favourite fic ive ever read, purely bc of how long its stayed with me.

ALRIGHT YEP MMHMM thats all folks

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