im not doin well
Feb. 19th, 2023 07:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
saint_dukecw: suicide
depression is hitting me really hard today for some reason. sittin here with weepy eyes over nothing.
im not doin alright; ive been out of work for months, thoughts of resuming self-harm are really strong, and i feel trapped.
my boyf is not in a hurry to move out with me bc unlike me he actually loves his family, and they love him. its so weird. i hate going to stay with him bc his family dynamic just makes me feel so terrible. i still live with one of my primary abusers and it just hurts. i feel like im being compressed and simultaneously deflated somehow
ran out of edibles so i cant sink into that mindless numbness i rely on. no money for more. no money for my anti depressants that are approaching $200 in cost now. every refill the price goes up and my insurance refuses to cover it.
i feel done, man. i havent had thoughts of suicide in a long time but i was cleaning my room today (or trying to; i gave up) and i found a bunch of old suicide notes id written in high school and all the points id mentioned in those notes are STILL true today! nothing is changing! im not changing! i cant fucking leave this place, im stuck and useless and fucked up and whats the point
im so upset haha i dont know what to do
its my boyfriends birthday next week so at least ill be able to see him for a weekend. i can hold out till then and reassess things after, i guess. i might be at that point where i need to go back into therapy but my last therapist was just... he cared too much and it upset me haha, so i quit. he wanted to see me two times a week, every week, bc i guess he thought i was just that bad off, but i couldnt do it
anyway, if i overshare on the internet then thats almost like going to therapy right? its probably just the changing of the seasons getting to me
depression is hitting me really hard today for some reason. sittin here with weepy eyes over nothing.
im not doin alright; ive been out of work for months, thoughts of resuming self-harm are really strong, and i feel trapped.
my boyf is not in a hurry to move out with me bc unlike me he actually loves his family, and they love him. its so weird. i hate going to stay with him bc his family dynamic just makes me feel so terrible. i still live with one of my primary abusers and it just hurts. i feel like im being compressed and simultaneously deflated somehow
ran out of edibles so i cant sink into that mindless numbness i rely on. no money for more. no money for my anti depressants that are approaching $200 in cost now. every refill the price goes up and my insurance refuses to cover it.
i feel done, man. i havent had thoughts of suicide in a long time but i was cleaning my room today (or trying to; i gave up) and i found a bunch of old suicide notes id written in high school and all the points id mentioned in those notes are STILL true today! nothing is changing! im not changing! i cant fucking leave this place, im stuck and useless and fucked up and whats the point
im so upset haha i dont know what to do
its my boyfriends birthday next week so at least ill be able to see him for a weekend. i can hold out till then and reassess things after, i guess. i might be at that point where i need to go back into therapy but my last therapist was just... he cared too much and it upset me haha, so i quit. he wanted to see me two times a week, every week, bc i guess he thought i was just that bad off, but i couldnt do it
anyway, if i overshare on the internet then thats almost like going to therapy right? its probably just the changing of the seasons getting to me
💔
Date: 2023-02-20 12:39 am (UTC)Re: 💔
Date: 2023-02-20 01:18 am (UTC)thanks though, im probably alright for now. i dont like having/dealing with emotions so im just gonna ignore this for as long as possible lol
(i know its unhealthy to do things that way but its all i got capn)
Re: 💔
Date: 2023-02-20 01:23 am (UTC)Re: 💔
Date: 2023-02-20 01:56 am (UTC)