Duke

im officially in training for the senior position theyve been hinting at giving me for a while now haha. very excited for that honestly. i love my job. its a little crazy, pretty intensive, but the people i work for and with make it so worthwhile 

one of my bosses (i think she was teasing me tho) said i might be.......eventually put in charge of the location? they have the rights to open up two more franchises, and said that me and my coworker were gonna be given them. 

DUNNO BOUT ALL THAT NOW

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I WANNA WRITE AGAIN. i work 6 days a week and am just so tired all the time that i have no time for creativity anymore. it sucks, but money? i sold my wrangler about a month ago (which was sad, bc floyd and i spent so much time in it together, going for rides. now hes dead, and hte jeep is gone; what do i have left?) so im in the market for a new car 

i dont get time to spend with my boyf anymore either, so ive been having a lot of nightmares about him leaving me lol. were still good tho, but both of us are kind of frustrated about it. im supposed to be getting  two weekends off per month soon, so i guess thatll solve that eventually. 


SPEAKING OF WORK, barrett....attacked a dog one day about a month ago and ive been too anxious to take him back to work with me ever since, although one of my bosses assured me that he was still a good dog, and that what he was doing was in order to protect another dog, etc, but. ever since floyd got put down, ive had really bad anxiety about barrett. taking him to the vet for simple checkups? hella anxiety. taking him to a safe space to play? panic attacks in the car on the way to work

its just hard to move on from floyd i guess haha. i loved him a lot, but owning him was also traumatic in a lot of ways, esp since a lot of that stuff carried over into owning barrett. 

anyway

im anxious a lot. tired a lot. but not feeling so depressed anymore. love my job, the evening crew i lead is amazing, and the people i work for are wonderful. just....need a couple of raises to get back to what i was making at my dog walking job haha

 so this past weekend i took a trip down to atlanta with a group of friends for a music festival; most of it was just sitting around, but i had a fun time. my second fave band got to play on the big main stage and its been so long since i last saw them live

i missed em

i somehow got 7 blisters on one foot though. there was a lot of walking around to get to the different stages over the weekend. no one else had any problems but me, but its my own fault bc i chose fashionable shoes over functional ones. 

goddamn tho, do my feet hurt.

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ART

im......not allowed to say which zine it is specifically, but! i got accepted as a writing contributer for a zine i applied to a while ago and im so excited about it. its going to be physical, and have merch bundle. thisll be....... the first ever time my writing has been published in a physical media. i already know what i want to write too

over the weekend my sister and her boyf got into some BIG family drama, which resulted in me having to refund her boyf's brother a huge chunk of money for a commission. her boys bro has been basically banished from all friend circles, and he requested a refund before being ollied out. 

on the one hand, im relieved bc that comm was kicking my ass (i dont draw plate armor!) and i didnt want to do it, but on the other, it was a lot of money and im.......very, very broke now after giving him his money back

which leads me to........

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WORK

as much as i love this job, i want to quit, but only bc my feet really hurt and the days tend to drag. i worked a week straight without any days off, and the day before my lil mini vacation started i called in faking sick bc i was too tired to get out of bed. really, truly, and just deeply bone-tired.

(except, i didnt call, really; i texted my main boss a half hour before my shift started but she apparently didnt see it, so a few hours later my other two bosses texted me asking where i was. i then had to explain how i texted the main lady and bhghb)

i feel really bad about it and now ive got it in my head that they hate me and wont want to see me again, which i know is just my anxiety but.....man

ive been thinking a lot about dying lately, too, as a result. not because im feeling particularly suicidal, but im just so tired that i thought, 'i cant wait till im dead, then ill finally be able to rest'

the thought kinda spooked me but it was also comforting at the same time. eventually i wont have to do anything anymore. i dont believe in an afterlife, so im not sure why that would be something that brings me comfort to think about, but it did. one day i wont be tired anymore, bc i simply wont be alive to feel it.

im just tired, man. i always am, but im feeling it stronger lately. 

 im having anxiety attacks about not being at work

is this a sign that i really love my new job? i took a nap today and had a series of dreams about not being at work and woke up in the midst of an attack lol

i think its also fomo?? i never usually have fomo but im actually feeling really anxious about missing things at work. we have a fb group and theyve been posting a bunch of new dog intakes and its MAKING ME SO ANXIOUS holy shit what do i do lol